Attraction ensures the balance between your liking/fondness for something/someone and the reciprocation of the same by the other. So, desirable. Attachment means the shift of balance of your liking from you towards the other person.
This week we learned about relationships, attachments and attraction. Before we can begin to understand the depth of attraction, and how it may influence each on an individual level, it seems that understanding one’s attachments is a necessary precursor to being able to analyze why and who one typically may find themselves closer to. At the root, attachments seem to be one of the most fundamental concepts found in psychology and in understanding reasoning behind one’s actions. As stated in our textbook, there are four main types of attachments, each signifying and reflecting a type of childhood and relationship between each child and parent/guardian. The four types of attachments are: secure, preoccupied, fearful, or dismissing (Schneider et al., 2012). This blog post will outline what can happen when two very different types of attachments are made with each parent, and how attachments created early on can influence attraction later in life.
As an only child, my mother and father were the two closest people I had growing up. My mother worked full-time and so did my father, leaving me with babysitters and family members most of the time before I could enter into pre-school, and still being at babysitter’s homes well into kindergarten and up until middle-school. Though some may frown on this because attachments to some degree were being created with those that were not my parents, it was the only situation that was possible with both parents working. My father and I had a very close relationship growing up, as he always paid me much attention, asked me lots of questions, encouraged me to try new things, and was generally very unconditionally loving towards me and supportive. The attachment I had with my father was a secure one, signaling strong trust, closeness and an ability for me to be myself.
However, my relationship with my mother was quite the opposite, and unfortunately has never recovered. She had been incredibly abused and mistreated growing up by her alcoholic mother, so the attachments she had formed herself were incredibly flawed, bitter and unloving; therefore, the love she gave me was discomforting and unhealthy, to say the least. From a young age I knew there was something wrong; though, assumed it was normal because it was all I had ever known coming from her. As time continued, her personality began to become more and more exposed, further revealing an incredibly ill and unconscious human.
I was in physical danger around her, as well as the target for many of her emotional attacks. “Opposites attract” was the motto of my parents, until it was clear that opposites do not attract, and they later separated because their differences were too massive. Though, the attachment I formed with my mother was so different from that of my dad, being a fearful attachment. The common denominator with my mom’s actions towards me was never to provide unconditional love and support, but to have her best interest at the root of her actions, further promoting her ego in a never ending attempt to gain validation (hinting at fundamentals of extreme narcissism).
Though both my mother and father raised me, living under the same roof, it continued to perplex my mind that I could have two parents that were so different – with respective differentiating attachment styles. Which would solidify in my mind? Consciously I knew that the way my mother raised me was incredibly unhealthy and anxiety ridden; though, that understanding unfortunately has not held precedent over who I have been attracted to in my later life.
After gaining a deep understanding of how powerful attachments are (biologically, neurologically and emotionally), it is amazing to use this information to my benefit and stop flawed patterns early on in my life. Different psychologists have stated that the reasoning behind why we imitate attachments with those we may become attracted to is because we are needing to “confirm our early models and patterns,” even hoping that someone we pick who is similar to someone from our childhood will change and be who we expect or need them to be. A complete and total game of projection, lacking autonomy and self-fulfillment, also seems to be at the root (Firestone, 2013). Though we may always be attracted to a certain type of individual, finding one that has a similar level of awareness as we do may help in keeping attraction while placing ourselves in a sustainable situation.